quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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