She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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