so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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