I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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