So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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