The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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