Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
