no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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