Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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