I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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