I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
