question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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