I'm gonna have a badass scar
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
