Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
