so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
