At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
