mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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