so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
