I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
