I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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