you guys were way drunker than both of me
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
