she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
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I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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