We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
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