I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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