Where did you get a picture of my penis
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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