somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
