Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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