Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
