Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
