you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
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Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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