I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
