i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
false alarm. still invincible.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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