It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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