I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
