Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
