I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
