I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
