I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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