I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
