Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
