My first STD was from a foam party
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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