would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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