Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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