i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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