had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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