sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
