Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
