What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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