I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She's the barista slut.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
