if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
