Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
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He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
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I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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