How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
