I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
