Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Randomize
