My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I did not marry a roomba.
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